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I don’t handle the unexpected very well.  I’m the kind of person who needs routine.  I have rules for everything, most of them unsaid rules because I’m the only one that’s ever had to be me and follow them.  When something pops up that I’m not prepared for, even if it’s something insignificant, I pretty much instantly become a mess.

I don’t think my body knows what to do with stress.  I know my brain certainly doesn’t know what to do with it.  I also don’t know how to turn it off, how to relax from a state of being stressed out. I don’t know how to stop worrying, even about things I can’t change at all.  If I’m stressed out at any point in the day, I’m stressed out for the rest of the day as if frantically I need to catch up to where I was but no matter how fast I move, no matter how much I rush to get things done, I can’t ever just be.  I don’t know how to just be, not even when things are going right.  I don’t know how to just stop, to not be worrying about one thing or another.

I’ve been so stressed out lately, and so anxious that I feel like I can’t get enough oxygen half the time.  More than half the time.  I can’t fall asleep without medication because I feel like I can’t breathe when I’m going to bed at night.  I don’t even know what I’m worried about.  I don’t know what’s bringing on the anxiety, and no amount of deep or steady breathing exercises helps me at all.  I’m running out of Xanax and I don’t have a doctor to see about getting a refill, and even if I did have a doctor I wouldn’t be able to afford to go because we don’t have insurance and I can’t afford a doctor’s visit AND medication.  I don’t even want to get into the fact that I should be seeing a psychiatrist but can’t afford that either.

And why does everything have to be so hard?  I say everything, and I mean everything.  There isn’t a thing in my life that is easy.  Not one thing.  Apparently I make everything hard, but I don’t know any other way to be.  How long can a person go on feeling like everything is ending and nothing is good?  Is there a time limit?  Is there a limit to how much emotional strain a person can take?  What happens when I’ve reached the end of my rope and have nothing left to grasp at?  Where will I be?

I’m jealous of people who can just do things and people who can just let loose.  I’m jealous of people who can simply not care.  I care about every single thing.  Everything matters to me.  I even care about things negatively.  I don’t know how to only care about things that directly pertain to me and my life.  I don’t know how to do that, because I feel like everything pertains to me and my life.  Everything has an effect on me, because I let everything have an effect on me.  I give everything in the world the power to bother me.  I don’t know how to do anything else.

One would think that by now I would know how to be me, but I still don’t have even the slightest idea.

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