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My writing is done for the day, finally.  I only have six more words to write to hit tomorrow’s quota, but I don’t think I have an ounce of creative energy left in me so it will have to wait until tomorrow.

You know what, though?  I posted on the NaNo RI Region forums for the first time, which is frakking nerve-wracking for me.  Because isn’t everything?  All I did was introduce myself, so I don’t know why I’m so worried that people won’t like me.  But that’s it.  I’m worried people won’t like me.  That’s actually the drive behind a lot of my anxiety.  What does it matter if people I don’t know don’t like me?  Why should it matter to me?  I wish it didn’t, but it does.  Strangers’ opinions of me matter.

I did realize today, when I was talking to my friend Mary, that my entire first draft will likely get thrown out.  I will write a second draft, and there probably won’t be a full paragraph that makes it from first draft to second.  I’m okay with that, I think.  Being a perfectionist when writing a novel is bad, and I’m trying to at least learn how to ignore that part of my brain while I write.  Normally if something isn’t perfect, I throw it out.  Do you know how many blog posts I’ve canned because they weren’t perfect?  Even more often than throwing things out, though, I find myself just not doing things.  Because if I don’t try, I can’t fail.  Then I won’t have wasted my time.

Realizing that this entire first draft will go into the garbage is kind of freeing.  It’s really freeing, actually.  Instead of forcing myself to write a word-perfect story, I’m just writing ideas down.  As I write, I can see what works and what is crap.  I can see what I do and do not want my characters to say and do.  I can get all the back story and details down that I need to know to really write the book.  That?  Feels like an accomplishment.

Now I’m going to watch some anime until my dad gets here, because there are hours before I have to go to sleep and I want to spend at least a little while NOT thinking about my book, which I’ve been doing non-stop since before 7 am (it is now 4:15 pm).  Even when I was watching the Lifetime movie with Sarah, I WAS THINKING ABOUT MY BOOK.

November, are you over yet?  I love you.  I AM SO CONFUSED.

Word count: 21’660

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