My writing is done for the day, finally. I only have six more words to write to hit tomorrow’s quota, but I don’t think I have an ounce of creative energy left in me so it will have to wait until tomorrow.
You know what, though? I posted on the NaNo RI Region forums for the first time, which is frakking nerve-wracking for me. Because isn’t everything? All I did was introduce myself, so I don’t know why I’m so worried that people won’t like me. But that’s it. I’m worried people won’t like me. That’s actually the drive behind a lot of my anxiety. What does it matter if people I don’t know don’t like me? Why should it matter to me? I wish it didn’t, but it does. Strangers’ opinions of me matter.
I did realize today, when I was talking to my friend Mary, that my entire first draft will likely get thrown out. I will write a second draft, and there probably won’t be a full paragraph that makes it from first draft to second. I’m okay with that, I think. Being a perfectionist when writing a novel is bad, and I’m trying to at least learn how to ignore that part of my brain while I write. Normally if something isn’t perfect, I throw it out. Do you know how many blog posts I’ve canned because they weren’t perfect? Even more often than throwing things out, though, I find myself just not doing things. Because if I don’t try, I can’t fail. Then I won’t have wasted my time.
Realizing that this entire first draft will go into the garbage is kind of freeing. It’s really freeing, actually. Instead of forcing myself to write a word-perfect story, I’m just writing ideas down. As I write, I can see what works and what is crap. I can see what I do and do not want my characters to say and do. I can get all the back story and details down that I need to know to really write the book. That? Feels like an accomplishment.
Now I’m going to watch some anime until my dad gets here, because there are hours before I have to go to sleep and I want to spend at least a little while NOT thinking about my book, which I’ve been doing non-stop since before 7 am (it is now 4:15 pm). Even when I was watching the Lifetime movie with Sarah, I WAS THINKING ABOUT MY BOOK.
November, are you over yet? I love you. I AM SO CONFUSED.
Word count: 21’660