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When I think about how often I used to blog, I’m struck with the wonder of how much I used to have to say.  Did I have a lot to say, I ask myself, or did I just say the same old things over and over again?  I’m pretty sure I had a lot to say, and so naturally I wonder where that person has gone.

How does a person go from having something to say several times a day to maybe once every two weeks in the span of seven years?  Is it that I don’t have as much to say, or that I think I’d better not say all of the things I’m thinking?

I feel the most inclined to write on Sunday mornings, while I’m at work, after reading the headlines in the newspapers.  Then I work for 9.5 hours and when I get home I just don’t feel it anymore.  That urge to write is gone.

I have noticed that when I talk to people my words come out all wrong, as if my brain is slower than I want it to be, and I feel stupid.  I wonder why this is, because I used to have a plethora of words at the ready, without even trying.  I don’t think I was ever eloquent, but I was certainly full of words and they were usually the right words.  These days I feel like all of my words are the wrong words.

What causes sluggishness in the brain and thought processes?  I’m beginning to wonder if it is a lack of physical activity, for real, that causes it.  I haven’t been physically active in years, nor have I really been socially active.  I’ve become somewhat of a social phobic, someone who pushes friends away and ignores them, because it feels safer.  I also don’t go out and do anything, nothing that requires physical effort, unless I absolutely have to.  I’m afraid of the world and everything in it.  Is this what’s making me slow in the brain?  I don’t think it’s helping, at the very least.

I would like to make a resolution to go out and do more, to be more social, and to experience life the way others see it.  But that isn’t realistic.  I will only disappoint myself.  Maybe I will take small steps, go for a walk when I don’t feel like it, make a call to go out for coffee when I’m too scared but still really need to get out of the house; but I won’t make a resolution to do these things.  I will try and just do them.  Maybe that will help me with my words.  I hope it does.  I used to be so proud of all of my words, spoken and written, shared and kept for myself.  Now I have very little of either, and I miss my words.

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