We can only be who we are in this, the only life we get. So we learn about ourselves. We hopefully learn to like and even love ourselves. I don’t think it’s true that no one can love you if you don’t love yourself. I have been loved even at my lowest, when I hated myself, when I didn’t understand myself, when I was bitter and depressed. I was loved.
Maybe this is the Xanax talking, but I’m feeling a bit nostalgic and even a wee bit sad. And anxious. But that goes without saying, right? -.-
With age comes understanding. I’m not going to say it brings wisdom, but rather experience. We don’t always learn from the mistakes and triumphs of others, but it is possible. My whole life I have learned from the mistakes of others, and I find it hard to accept that that is rare, because it is the very core of me. Maybe that only makes sense to me and no one else can understand it, but I grew up seeing all the things I didn’t want to be, and I didn’t have to run out and do those things to know I didn’t want to do them.
Something I’ve been noticing about myself this past year is that I’ve been more blunt, and more impatient with the people around me. When someone older than I am keeps making the same bad choices over and over, I lose all respect for them as a person. Especially when their poor choices are affecting me and the people I care about. I think a lot of the time I come across as uncaring, but the truth is that I feel too much. I feel so much for everybody. I have all the feelings, and it is hard seeing people you love in pain, and feeling that pain and knowing you can do nothing to help but just be there. And I wonder, is it even helping? Is just being there helping at all? It isn’t helping me, not when I feel so much of what everyone around me is feeling. I feel so responsible for everyone all of the time, like I should be doing more and helping more, only I can’t figure out how I’m supposed to do that.
I miss my mom. In so many ways we were two peas in a pod, and I didn’t see that until it was too late because I was bitter for a long time. It’s too late now. I can’t even apologize. I loved her so hard. I still do.
I should probably go to bed, because I’m over-thinking all the things right now. I don’t even know if I’ll wake up in the morning and understand any of this. I hope tomorrow is better, not just for me but for everyone. I wonder if I’ll even be able to sleep, because I’m so worried about stupid crap. But it doesn’t feel stupid right now. It will probably feel stupid in the morning, but right now it just feels bad.
To feeling bad. Cheers.