When I think about how often I used to blog, I’m struck with the wonder of how much I used to have to say. Did I have a lot to say, I ask myself, or did I just say the same old things over and over again? I’m pretty sure I had a lot to say, and so naturally I wonder where that person has gone.
How does a person go from having something to say several times a day to maybe once every two weeks in the span of seven years? Is it that I don’t have as much to say, or that I think I’d better not say all of the things I’m thinking?
I feel the most inclined to write on Sunday mornings, while I’m at work, after reading the headlines in the newspapers. Then I work for 9.5 hours and when I get home I just don’t feel it anymore. That urge to write is gone.
I have noticed that when I talk to people my words come out all wrong, as if my brain is slower than I want it to be, and I feel stupid. I wonder why this is, because I used to have a plethora of words at the ready, without even trying. I don’t think I was ever eloquent, but I was certainly full of words and they were usually the right words. These days I feel like all of my words are the wrong words.
What causes sluggishness in the brain and thought processes? I’m beginning to wonder if it is a lack of physical activity, for real, that causes it. I haven’t been physically active in years, nor have I really been socially active. I’ve become somewhat of a social phobic, someone who pushes friends away and ignores them, because it feels safer. I also don’t go out and do anything, nothing that requires physical effort, unless I absolutely have to. I’m afraid of the world and everything in it. Is this what’s making me slow in the brain? I don’t think it’s helping, at the very least.
I would like to make a resolution to go out and do more, to be more social, and to experience life the way others see it. But that isn’t realistic. I will only disappoint myself. Maybe I will take small steps, go for a walk when I don’t feel like it, make a call to go out for coffee when I’m too scared but still really need to get out of the house; but I won’t make a resolution to do these things. I will try and just do them. Maybe that will help me with my words. I hope it does. I used to be so proud of all of my words, spoken and written, shared and kept for myself. Now I have very little of either, and I miss my words.